wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
