Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
