i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
