im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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