Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
