The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
this just has baby written all over it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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