No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
