I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
