every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
