im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it