if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm both gender and math confused