So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
