I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
