On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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