I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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