3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish you could order shots online.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
