I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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