i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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