If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
