If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am available for nakedness
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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