there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
