his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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