I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
