god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
