hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
