He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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