why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
