I heard we made out
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
