In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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