sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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