im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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