im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
