True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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