so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if only i could text you this smell
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
