last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
