i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
