We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
