Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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