Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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