I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
