Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
