I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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