can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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