I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
