The police scanner is talking about you again....
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
