My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
