I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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