I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
