fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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