I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
