the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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