she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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