Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
