i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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