i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
