Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
