dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
