I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
