You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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