There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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