Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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