I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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