apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
