How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
