Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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