The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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