worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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