The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
